Frittering Away...

"There is a part of me that wants to write, a part that wants to theorize, a part that wants to sculpt, a part that wants to teach.. To force myself into a single role, to decide to be just one thing in life, would kill off large parts of me. Rather, I recognize that I live now and only now, and I will do what I want to do this moment and not what I decided was best for me yesterday." - Hugh Prather.

Muddled yet today, will jot down all that comes to mind .. Over a day..

Romp Home, Watch a Sunset, Eat a burger, drive a porsche, Crack a joke, Kill a joke, Bite the dust, Grind the Axe, Cut your teeth on glass, Caught in a drunken punch up at a friend's wedding,Munch a Banana Nut Muffin, Blame it on the Devil, Bring out the Best, Hung the best, Remember the Titans, Run the long mile, Swim the Nautical Mile, Dive the Abyss of Christ, Fly over Everest, Raft the Ganges, Brahmaputra and the Alakananda.Rappel the Hampi Boulders, try and understand sci fi.

Don't shoot the messenger on first principles. On second thoughts and principles, WTH, just wax 'it' dead with a bullet,not to leave Staines behind.

The Last Nail in the Coffin always eases in, all its predecessors having their task cut out.The proverbial last straw on the camel's back gets it crashing down to the arid earth (n-1 OK).

Of all the things in the world that money can't buy, to wit, the wag of a dog's tail.
Rake the spring leaves, trash the pessimism, Stoke the embers.
Play with lil Dhaatri.

Ride the Great Indian railway, sip the chai, crumble the cookie, Salsa in the rain.Play the national anthem on the keyboard. Shouldnt have let the molehill become a mountain, now its more than a mite big..If one swallow ONLY did make a summer, never to happen so.Only gaze at the stars, never reach out, its better that way, burnt fingers are nasty.Incredule at the Impasse. Blame it on the unseen forces who always divine best and customize. Be patient at the turnstile to get into Lalbagh, never do a complete circle. Run with the wind behind you.

Bemoan Bangalore's roads and traffic, yellow journalism and over aged, puffed up movie stars. Laugh along with George Carlin. Dream Freudian. Catch a frisbee in mid air as you crash into the water, evoke gasps and claps. Learn the flip and the butterfly. Listen to Pehla Nasha frm JJWS.Watch DDLJ and SRK woo millions of teeny weeny itsy bitsy college cals as he says Palat, palat on some bridge in Europe and she turns, to whistles and a plethora of small change hurled by an audience gone berserk .. So much to cajole Kajol ?

Go to Madame Ruth and get Love Potion No 9.

Revel in Sholay, Sathe Pe Satha, Madhuri's ethereal countenance, Nana Patekar's maniacal moods, Jackie's cold angst, all in Parinda. Ponder wistfully about Gauthami, Kamal and Revathi in Thevar Magan, chuckle at Revathi's naivete as she sings to Kamal. Get vicariously behind Vishnuvardhan as he blows hot and cold in Nagarahavu and croons Baare Baare and jumps off the cliff with his lover . Laugh with Dad and Mom watching Padosan as Kishore Kumar and his entourage (including an artless Sunil Dutt) take on a wacky Mehmood !

Team up with boys to watch Andaz Apna Apna, Hungama, Dalapathy, Badshaah (Tamil),Sarfarosh, Govinda's antics, Forrest Gump, You've got Mail, Jaggesh howlers and Kashinath's hilarious (at times below the belt) lines... and eat at Dwaraka, VB, SLV,Brahmins Coffee Bar..

Admire Jack Nicholson in Few Good Men and As Good As It Gets, laugh along with Jim Carrey and Chris Tucker, delight in Sam Jackson and John Travolta's chutzpah in Pulp Fiction, the cold eyes of Bruce Willis in Jackal, Al Pacino in the Godfather Series and Dog's Day Out... Sing along with Cat Stevens, Peter Frampton, Mark Knopfler, Neil Young and the Temptations.

Play the old classics featuring Cary Grant, Gregory Peck, Audrey Hepburn, Julie Andrews et al such as Roman Holiday, Sound of Music, How to Steal a Million, The Man Who Knew Too Much, An Affair to Remember, Guns Of Navarone, Mackenna' s Gold, The Good, Bad and the Ugly, Love Bug, The Wizard of Oz etc for Dad and interpret.

Get lost in Jungle Book, Finding Nemo, Lion King and Tom n Jerry.

Try and play more cricket, drop less catches, bowl fuller, stun Rahul at Tennis with scorcher backhands, coaxe Raghu that there it too early to hang up the racquet, rack the brains at Chess, overcome gaucherie at Carrom, read the lifeguard manual, practise the tired swimmer tow, the submerged victim retrieve, refresh CPR training, sign up for First Aid training from Red Cross, dream about nitrogen narcosis, petting a dolphin, riding on the back of a whale :)

Go Home Now ! So many things to do, no time to fritter..
BEAT THE TRAFFIC AND RAIN.

Diamond Gaffes and Car Pick Up Lines.

Guys,

What would you say when a member of the fairer sex says " You are a Diamond".. ?? Thanks, wow, thats sweet.. maybe even wittier... say " Diamonds are Forever, Diamonds are a Woman's Best Friend, or if the situation warrants, maybe something even virile like "Rough diamonds may sometimes be mistaken for worthless pebbles. "

Anything, anything that you could look back upon and swell with pride or have nice memories .

But no, I faltered. And How ..

She : You are a diamond.

Me : " Hehe, Oh No.. I am Thagdu ". Exact words.

She : Whats Tagdu ?

Me : scrap metal is called Thagdu in Kannada..

She : Ok... hmmm..

She : :))

Me : Slaps Forehead, shakes my head and thinks " You'll never get it will ya, dikhead "

And I'm like WTH was I saying.. realization always dawns late !! Dude, What were you even thinking ?? You could have atleast said somethin less inane about carbon atoms bonded together.. but no, ure Tagdu.. .. Faux pas, Faux Pas !!

And I feel like Chandler Bing in Friends when he gets stuck in an ATM Vestibule in NY with a Victoria Secret Supermodel when there's a power blackout.When he gets weak in his knees, his heart skips a beat and he blurts out baloney :)

I quote below

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[ Jill Goodacre is on the cellular phone. ]

Chandler : Oh my God, it's that Victoria's Secret model. Something... something Goodacre.

Jill : Hi Mom, it's Jill.

Chandler : She's right, it's Jill. Jill Goodacre. Oh my God. I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre! Is it a vestibule? Maybe it's an atrium. Oh, yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot!

Jill : Yeah, I'm fine. I'm just stuck at the bank, in an ATM vestibule.

Chandler : Jill says vestibule... I'm going with vestibule.

Jill : I'm fine. No, I'm not alone... I don't know, some guy.

Chandler : Oh! Some guy. Some guy. 'Hey Jill, I saw you with some guy last night. Yes, he was some guy. [Chandler strides proudly across the vestibule and Jill stares at him.]

Chandler : Alright, alright, alright. It's been fourteen and a half minutes and you still have not said one word. Oh God, do something. Just make contact, smile!

[Chandler smiles at her, she smiles back sweetly.]

Chandler : There you go! [He continues to smile like an idiot, and she looks frightened.] Chandler : You're definitely scaring here.

Jill : [awkwardly] Would you like to call somebody? [offering phone]

Chandler : Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with. Yeah, thanks. [takes phone, calls Joey]

Jill : Would you like some gum?

Chandler : Um, is it sugarless?

Jill : [checks] Sorry, it's not.

Chandler : Oh, then no thanks. What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.

Chandler : You know, on second thought, gum would be perfection. [Jill gives him a stick of gum, and a strange look] 'Gum would be perfection'? 'Gum would be perfection.' Could have said 'gum would be nice,' or 'I'll have a stick,' but no, no, no, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself

Jill : Well, this has been fun.

Chandler : Yes. Yes, thanks for letting me use your phone... and for saving my life.

Jill : Well, goodbye Chandler. I had a great blackout. [she kisses him on the cheek] See ya.

[She leaves. Chandler presses his face to the glass door after her, stroking the window lovingly. He then turns to the security camera and starts talking to it.]

Chandler : Hi, um, I'm account number 7143457. And, uh, I don't know if you got any of that, but I would really like a copy of the tape.

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And now, Vinu, Raghu et al will laugh till they hurt everywhere.. But thats the pact, always reveal such gaucheries to thy bretheren.. :)

And I'll continue driving a Ferrari, blindfolded and just 'looking' for the Scent of a Woman:)) And if one were to fall off a cliff, then breaking the fall would certainly make me quite weak in my knees, my heart would palpitate 200 beats/min and I would be at a complete loss for words !

Sunnyvale, 2003

Raghu and me return from a car wash and his shiny, 2 door Black Acura Integra is gleaming in the sun. Its an awesome sight. We park and as we get off the car and head towards our apartment, along comes a decent white chick clad in denim shorts, returning to her apartment after emptying the trash. She stops, takes a look and exclaims " Nice Car " !

And I think Raghu will not slip this time, there's an invite.. Thats a subtle pick up line.Surely, he would say " Care for a ride, how about some coffee sometime," or something chivalrous that would set the ball rolling...

Alas, we are living in a world of fools, breaking us down.

Raghu, him the tyro, the quintessential greenhorn, quips " Yeah, you wanna buy it ?? "

I gape. She gapes. Turns around and walks off without a word.. Too numbed perhaps :)And Never to use that pick up line again !

Dude, you wanna a potential date to buy your car ?? Are you even for real.. you ATUL.Chal, lets go on chow on the Haldirams namkeen and watch the Salman Khan DVD we got, for thats what behooves us. And the tale is conference called across the States and to India and laughed at :)

Birthday Bashings - Miami

Its your Birthday, Go Katte... And amidst that popular refrain, it would start off, a night to remember, no to forget maybe, unfailingly for 3 years frm May 2000 - May 2002. At the fore-front of things and marshalling supplies and stuff would be my confidante, ally, foe yet and Ye Tu Brutus - Vinu.

I remember those 3 parties as if it was yesterday. The junta would pour in, a slow trickle at first, then more of them by the minute as the zero'eth hour (May 2) ticked closer.They made no attempt to hide their intentions and would look at me as if to say " mincemeat".And then the cake would come out, with my name glazed on it in italics, a little ornate frill running around its border. Sigh, how much of it would I actually get to eat though :(( Spare me brothers would be the plea even as they were received at the doors, I'll do anything for you.. I'll drive you to Walmart, the malls, teach you driving, drop you to school, take you to the temple, lend you my car et al... Unmindful of it, they would pat me on the back and file past.

Resigned to my fate, I would recall whatever bad I had done to any of these guys and roomies over the last year. Fought with them at tennis, at cricket, fought over cooking turns, cleaning the kitchen, taking out the trash, buying groceries, paying bills and dues, waking them up at 10 am, finishing up the juice on the grounds that I don't drink alcohol, eating too much of Banana Nut Crunch cereal and not stepping out of the shower for a long time... Geez the writing was on the wall, I asked for it. And Vinu's name figured in all the above misdemeanors. Junta dreaded his wackiness and innovations at Bday Bashes.. Especially if he was dear to someone. Vengeance would be top most on their minds, here was a sitting duck. And the girls would pool in a corner to witness the carnage that was to unfold and utter sympathies and then laugh with the crowd.They were all in it together.

"Ok Katte, time hogya chal, shuru kar.. Jyaada time nahi hai, we have school tomm and stuff..Err, is it.. uh, ok ... You guys can leave, its alrite.. Abbe, whom are you trying to fool, start kar.."The strength of the wolves is in the pack. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. And like a African tribe ritual, the singing and clapping would start as the knife scythed through the cake, everybody joining in the joyful chorus as the prey was being softened up before the kill.
There, that was neat.. and the cake looks good.. Nothing happening yet, maybe they had a change of mind at the last moment.. Heck, its my bday, least I can be is optimistic.But this ? A tad too much... Along comes Shanty, the old rogue, the IIT'ian PHD ( Pretty Huge D***), whom most people can't simply comprehend or simply dread. Here's an iconoclast, a sadist, a misanthrope, unabashedly,vehemently, vituperative at his most modest and a sucker for rocks and the earth's many stratas and tectonic plates. He's a best friend though and we team up to bash the newbies everytime... Surely, he'll just wish me luck and go away ?? I always argue with him about the relevance about Laplace and Fourier in our daily lives, what do those incredulous curves and distributions on his blackboard mean... so many X and Y' s, so many unsolved equations, so much rigamarole.. Lets just keep it simple, shall we ?

He takes a large slice of cake and makes no pretensions about trying to make me eat it.Its too big a slice anyway, you cant have the cake and eat it too :) Whack, full frontal, its on the face.. and the smearing ensues, white circles around the eyes,icing on the eyebrows, hell's broke loose.. Gasps and delighted shrieks emanate from the audience, they want more.. Throw him to the lions, do whatever, vengeance is ours..As if on cue, the whole pack converge in and get into the act. They grab the legs, the arms, the necks and hold me up.. Please feel free to kick this guy, he loves em .. and they count out the age loudly and always get it wrong towards the end and give a few extra blows.. Flogging a dead horse is as close at it gets here. Hold it, who's that ..Giri.. you too !! I can't believe it.. I just dropped you yday to school, picked u frm the airport when you landed, consoled you when you cried like a baby about being homesick... And now you, baddimagane... %^&$$*$($ ....

The only consideration is for the carpet, so they push me out to the portico. Plonk, the first of a dozen eggs is on the head and the yellow liquid is streaking down my back.. God, my janwaara/sacred thread is being abused ! The second is cracked on the forehead, smack and I cant stand the taste/smell.. "Ye le, you want more, take it dudes, give it to him.." And I turn defeatist..Like the hilarious scene / guy in the laugh riot Hungama, I shout" Maaro logo, Maaro.. Maey ek mandir ka ghanti hu kya.. maaro " :))

Vinu has just started.. There comes the toothpaste, the gilette shaving gel and some water... Happy Bday Bhenc***, hope you remember us forever..Oh, here's the sambhar you cooked, we decided not to eat it today out of considerationfor you.. You can have it... Skullduggery at it best..the dal is simply emptied on the head, all my cooking efforts rendered wasted in a second.. Or, probably the scoundrels already had eaten :)Not to miss a trick, them.. Coke follows, fizzed out at godspeed on to my face..Oye Bubbly..Is there anything in the house left ?? Garlic Ranch ?? Sure, he likes it anyway with fries and potato wedges.. I would be sporting a new funky hairdo for a few days.. ! Just as abruptly as it begin, the carnage ends, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.. I would have to clean the portico as well later and there's no water outlet there :(

And I tiptoe to the bathroom and wipe off the muck as much as possible.. and enter the shower, draw the curtain and let the jet rinse the hair.. There's no shampoo on earth that washes off egg, paste, gel, sambhar, cake and what not efficiently.. None at all, I can vouch for it !
They must be done, how long can they sustain it ? Loud Music is blaring, they must be eating..Too optimistic again.. Its a decoy, they have seen Jackal too many times and how Bruce Willis uses music to nail his victims.. The bathroom locks at the apartment are faithfully compliant when it comes to being picked. A pin does the trick.. The shower and the music drown out the stealth operation and suddenly the shower curtains are drawn apart ! They have upped the ante !

WHAT THE F%^(%*&*^ !!!!!!!!! How did you get in here ?? No, No, No... Please leave me..Vinu, I seriously will mutilate you soon.. Hehehehehe, laugh the hyenas.. "Say Cheese,Katz or whatever you want...Idhar dhek, dont cover your face, smile dude, its your birthday .. there's a happy guy .. You'll be on the net a la American Pie in a few hours from now, we promise.." And they troop out triumphantly.. Digital cameras have so many uses..:(

When God shuts a door, he opens a window... ?? WHERE, WHERE !!

A lil while later, I am mostly clean and step out to the hall to accept the greetings and eat some cake/chips and indulge in banter.. And should be forgiven if I thought it's all over..Hey Katte, actually, we forgot these.. Happy Birthday.. A few more eggs were left over, they hadnt put it all in one basket.. Plonk, plonk, Plonk... !! Again !! ??? This time its a fight, a tussle, a wrestle.. No match, outnumbered, but the will to fight from within.. Bruise a few of them..Its a defeat nevertheless and I cant care anymore.. I just want to eat garlic bread and rice and black beans at the 24/7 Latin cafetaria.. !! And wait for the next bday in our apt..:)

2 more, equally effective bday bashings followed for the next 2 years, I was a Veteran of War, also POW by then.. And to think this time around, at my cuzin's wedding, the same day as my birthday, they announced my name over the microphone, called me on stage and made me cut cake in front of a couple of hundred people !! Fat chance you'll do it anytime eh, Vinu :))