Birthday Bashings - Miami

Its your Birthday, Go Katte... And amidst that popular refrain, it would start off, a night to remember, no to forget maybe, unfailingly for 3 years frm May 2000 - May 2002. At the fore-front of things and marshalling supplies and stuff would be my confidante, ally, foe yet and Ye Tu Brutus - Vinu.

I remember those 3 parties as if it was yesterday. The junta would pour in, a slow trickle at first, then more of them by the minute as the zero'eth hour (May 2) ticked closer.They made no attempt to hide their intentions and would look at me as if to say " mincemeat".And then the cake would come out, with my name glazed on it in italics, a little ornate frill running around its border. Sigh, how much of it would I actually get to eat though :(( Spare me brothers would be the plea even as they were received at the doors, I'll do anything for you.. I'll drive you to Walmart, the malls, teach you driving, drop you to school, take you to the temple, lend you my car et al... Unmindful of it, they would pat me on the back and file past.

Resigned to my fate, I would recall whatever bad I had done to any of these guys and roomies over the last year. Fought with them at tennis, at cricket, fought over cooking turns, cleaning the kitchen, taking out the trash, buying groceries, paying bills and dues, waking them up at 10 am, finishing up the juice on the grounds that I don't drink alcohol, eating too much of Banana Nut Crunch cereal and not stepping out of the shower for a long time... Geez the writing was on the wall, I asked for it. And Vinu's name figured in all the above misdemeanors. Junta dreaded his wackiness and innovations at Bday Bashes.. Especially if he was dear to someone. Vengeance would be top most on their minds, here was a sitting duck. And the girls would pool in a corner to witness the carnage that was to unfold and utter sympathies and then laugh with the crowd.They were all in it together.

"Ok Katte, time hogya chal, shuru kar.. Jyaada time nahi hai, we have school tomm and stuff..Err, is it.. uh, ok ... You guys can leave, its alrite.. Abbe, whom are you trying to fool, start kar.."The strength of the wolves is in the pack. Nowhere to run, nowhere to hide. And like a African tribe ritual, the singing and clapping would start as the knife scythed through the cake, everybody joining in the joyful chorus as the prey was being softened up before the kill.
There, that was neat.. and the cake looks good.. Nothing happening yet, maybe they had a change of mind at the last moment.. Heck, its my bday, least I can be is optimistic.But this ? A tad too much... Along comes Shanty, the old rogue, the IIT'ian PHD ( Pretty Huge D***), whom most people can't simply comprehend or simply dread. Here's an iconoclast, a sadist, a misanthrope, unabashedly,vehemently, vituperative at his most modest and a sucker for rocks and the earth's many stratas and tectonic plates. He's a best friend though and we team up to bash the newbies everytime... Surely, he'll just wish me luck and go away ?? I always argue with him about the relevance about Laplace and Fourier in our daily lives, what do those incredulous curves and distributions on his blackboard mean... so many X and Y' s, so many unsolved equations, so much rigamarole.. Lets just keep it simple, shall we ?

He takes a large slice of cake and makes no pretensions about trying to make me eat it.Its too big a slice anyway, you cant have the cake and eat it too :) Whack, full frontal, its on the face.. and the smearing ensues, white circles around the eyes,icing on the eyebrows, hell's broke loose.. Gasps and delighted shrieks emanate from the audience, they want more.. Throw him to the lions, do whatever, vengeance is ours..As if on cue, the whole pack converge in and get into the act. They grab the legs, the arms, the necks and hold me up.. Please feel free to kick this guy, he loves em .. and they count out the age loudly and always get it wrong towards the end and give a few extra blows.. Flogging a dead horse is as close at it gets here. Hold it, who's that ..Giri.. you too !! I can't believe it.. I just dropped you yday to school, picked u frm the airport when you landed, consoled you when you cried like a baby about being homesick... And now you, baddimagane... %^&$$*$($ ....

The only consideration is for the carpet, so they push me out to the portico. Plonk, the first of a dozen eggs is on the head and the yellow liquid is streaking down my back.. God, my janwaara/sacred thread is being abused ! The second is cracked on the forehead, smack and I cant stand the taste/smell.. "Ye le, you want more, take it dudes, give it to him.." And I turn defeatist..Like the hilarious scene / guy in the laugh riot Hungama, I shout" Maaro logo, Maaro.. Maey ek mandir ka ghanti hu kya.. maaro " :))

Vinu has just started.. There comes the toothpaste, the gilette shaving gel and some water... Happy Bday Bhenc***, hope you remember us forever..Oh, here's the sambhar you cooked, we decided not to eat it today out of considerationfor you.. You can have it... Skullduggery at it best..the dal is simply emptied on the head, all my cooking efforts rendered wasted in a second.. Or, probably the scoundrels already had eaten :)Not to miss a trick, them.. Coke follows, fizzed out at godspeed on to my face..Oye Bubbly..Is there anything in the house left ?? Garlic Ranch ?? Sure, he likes it anyway with fries and potato wedges.. I would be sporting a new funky hairdo for a few days.. ! Just as abruptly as it begin, the carnage ends, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake.. I would have to clean the portico as well later and there's no water outlet there :(

And I tiptoe to the bathroom and wipe off the muck as much as possible.. and enter the shower, draw the curtain and let the jet rinse the hair.. There's no shampoo on earth that washes off egg, paste, gel, sambhar, cake and what not efficiently.. None at all, I can vouch for it !
They must be done, how long can they sustain it ? Loud Music is blaring, they must be eating..Too optimistic again.. Its a decoy, they have seen Jackal too many times and how Bruce Willis uses music to nail his victims.. The bathroom locks at the apartment are faithfully compliant when it comes to being picked. A pin does the trick.. The shower and the music drown out the stealth operation and suddenly the shower curtains are drawn apart ! They have upped the ante !

WHAT THE F%^(%*&*^ !!!!!!!!! How did you get in here ?? No, No, No... Please leave me..Vinu, I seriously will mutilate you soon.. Hehehehehe, laugh the hyenas.. "Say Cheese,Katz or whatever you want...Idhar dhek, dont cover your face, smile dude, its your birthday .. there's a happy guy .. You'll be on the net a la American Pie in a few hours from now, we promise.." And they troop out triumphantly.. Digital cameras have so many uses..:(

When God shuts a door, he opens a window... ?? WHERE, WHERE !!

A lil while later, I am mostly clean and step out to the hall to accept the greetings and eat some cake/chips and indulge in banter.. And should be forgiven if I thought it's all over..Hey Katte, actually, we forgot these.. Happy Birthday.. A few more eggs were left over, they hadnt put it all in one basket.. Plonk, plonk, Plonk... !! Again !! ??? This time its a fight, a tussle, a wrestle.. No match, outnumbered, but the will to fight from within.. Bruise a few of them..Its a defeat nevertheless and I cant care anymore.. I just want to eat garlic bread and rice and black beans at the 24/7 Latin cafetaria.. !! And wait for the next bday in our apt..:)

2 more, equally effective bday bashings followed for the next 2 years, I was a Veteran of War, also POW by then.. And to think this time around, at my cuzin's wedding, the same day as my birthday, they announced my name over the microphone, called me on stage and made me cut cake in front of a couple of hundred people !! Fat chance you'll do it anytime eh, Vinu :))